Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
