dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
