the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
