Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
