I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
