Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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