will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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