i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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