my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just blew my weed a kiss
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Pooping to opera.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
