The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
