why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
