My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize