Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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