I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
