That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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