i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
They took my balls.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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