But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
