yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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