if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
