her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize