just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
