What a fucking waste of an outfit
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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