you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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