Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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