Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I look excited, but its just a facade.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
