his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
