Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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