can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
