if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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