you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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