Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
