I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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