His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
