my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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