just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
