guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
