he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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