you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize