Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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