You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
