dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Farmville is her only friend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
