we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
