i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
