I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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