Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You have to summon your inner elephant
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
