Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
