you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
