Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
