So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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