Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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