I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
