You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
