as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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