She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
