She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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