I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
