i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
