i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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