I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
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We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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