Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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