I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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