We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
